The Exhaustion Olympics: Why New Parents Compete Over Tiredness

Why we start keeping score

It’s not about pettiness or lack of love. Sleep deprivation literally changes how the brain works. When we’re tired, we feel more vulnerable, more reactive, and more likely to seek validation. Our brains, stripped of rest, start keeping tallies: who got up with the baby, who made the morning bottle, who did bedtime five nights in a row.

In the absence of rest, many parents turn to recognition. If we can’t be well-rested, at least we want our exhaustion to be noticed.

What's happening in your brain

When you're low on sleep, your brain's ability to regulate emotions goes out the window. The amygdala, your brain’s alarm system, goes into overdrive. Meanwhile, your prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for rational thought and impulse control, slows down.

This biological shift explains why a casual comment about who had it worse last night can spiral into a full-on argument about fairness, division of labor, or that one time you handled a blowout diaper at 3 a.m. while also ordering more wipes online.

What "I'm more tired" really means

Often, behind every tiredness comparison is something deeper:

• “Do you see how hard I’m trying?”

• “Can I admit I’m not okay right now?”

• “Am I allowed to need a break too?”

• “Is it okay to say this is harder than I thought?”

These are valid, important needs. But when expressed through competition, they often go unheard or misunderstood.

A four-part reset to end the cycle

1. Dual recognition, not one-upmanship

Instead of negating your partner’s tiredness, try this:

• “You’re totally wiped. I can see that.”

• “And I’m wiped too. We’re both running on fumes.”

Both experiences can be true. The goal isn’t to rank suffering but to meet it with compassion.

2. Make gratitude louder than scorekeeping

Research shows that specific, spoken appreciation helps reduce feelings of resentment in co-parents. Try:

• “Thank you for rocking her back to sleep. I know you were exhausted too.”

• “I noticed you made coffee before your meeting. Thank you!”

This isn’t about performative praise. It’s about reinforcing partnership when sleep is scarce and tempers are short.

3. Build a 'tired-time toolkit' together

Sit down when you're both semi-rested (or caffeinated) and ask:

• “What helps you when you're running on empty?”

• “What’s one thing I can do tomorrow to make your morning easier?”

Create a shared plan for your hardest moments. Include things like:

• “If one of us hits a 9 out of 10 on the tired scale, the other takes the next shift.”

• “Weekend mornings alternate, no questions asked.”

• “We both get one emergency nap request per week.”

4. Pause the game with a neutral signal

When you sense a tiredness competition starting, agree on a code word or simple phrase that means “Let’s reset.” Something like:

• “Time out.”

• “Team huddle.”

• “Let’s tag in, not tally.”

Having a shared signal creates a non-judgmental way to interrupt spiraling conversations before they become full-blown arguments.

When one partner really is more tired

Sometimes, one person is getting significantly less rest. Maybe you're exclusively nursing. Maybe your partner works night shifts. Maybe one of you is recovering from birth or surgery. These are real imbalances that need acknowledgment.

Here’s what helps:

• Recognize the imbalance openly, without guilt or shame.

• Ask: “How can we adjust the load in other areas to make this more sustainable?”

• Use the 70/30 strategy: the better-rested partner takes on 70% of non-sleep-related caregiving when possible, evening out the energy gap.

The more-rested partner doesn’t need to overcompensate, just show up with intention and consistency.

Co-regulating instead of competing

Sleep deprivation frays your nervous system. But instead of turning against each other, you can regulate together:

• Breathe together during night feeds or wake-ups. Even one minute of slow, matched breathing can bring your bodies back into sync.

• Use gentle physical touch. A hand on the back. A hug at the kitchen counter. These gestures matter.

• Say what you need, not just what you’ve endured: “I need to be off duty for 20 minutes. Can you hold it down?”

What to try instead of comparing

Here are some phrases that shift the energy in the moment:

• “We’re both past capacity. What can we drop?”

• “Can we get creative about rest this week?”

• “What’s one thing that would make tonight easier for you?”

• “Let’s solve this like teammates, not opponents.”

Reframe your shared tiredness

You’re not lazy. You’re not failing. You’re two people trying to care for a small, demanding human with limited resources and minimal REM sleep. That’s heroic.

Instead of trading exhaustion stats, try trading empathy:

• “I see you.”

• “This is brutal.”

• “I’m with you in it.”

Those words build connection. Competition can’t.

Team tired: a new approach

Start thinking of yourselves as a rest team:

• Rotate “captain” days: one person calls the shots on rest priorities

• Keep a “rest debt tracker” on the fridge. It’s not for scorekeeping. It’s for accountability. If one person gets three naps, the other gets a long shower and solo errand time.

• Celebrate rest wins. “You got two hours straight? That’s a personal best!”

When to ask for outside help

If you're stuck in a pattern of chronic competition or resentment, it might be time for more support. Consider:

• A therapist specializing in postpartum relationships

• A family counselor or mediator

• A postpartum doula for even a few hours per week

There’s no shame in needing backup. Partnership under pressure deserves professional support too.

A new bedtime ritual

Try closing the day with this 60-second ritual:

1. One sentence of thanks: “Thank you for X today.”

2. One sentence of empathy: “I know today felt hard for you when Y happened.”

3. One sentence of hope: “Let’s both try to rest and start fresh tomorrow.”

Over time, this nightly pause can rewire how you see each other—not as competitors in a never-ending sleep race, but as tired people trying really hard to love well under pressure.

Good night

You don’t need to be perfectly rested to be good partners. You don’t need to agree on who’s more tired. You just need to agree on this: You’re better together than apart.

Your baby doesn’t care who changed more diapers or got more hours of sleep. They care that you’re both showing up. And the best way to do that isn’t by keeping score. It’s by building a system where you both get to stay in the game.

Next time you feel the urge to say, “Well I was up at 3 and 4 and 5,” pause. Take a breath. Then try: “I’m exhausted. And I know you are too. Let’s figure out what we need tonight.”

That’s not losing the competition. That’s ending it for good.