When Joy and Sadness Mix: The Many Emotions of New Parenthood

Understanding these feelings

There’s a story many of us are told: that parenthood is supposed to feel like one long, blissful swoon. But here's another story, equally true: sometimes becoming a parent feels like losing parts of yourself while trying to bond with someone new. Sometimes it's overwhelming, boring, too quiet and too loud all at once.

You might be mourning:

• Your freedom

• Your identity before the baby

• Your career momentum

• Your relationship, pre-parenthood

• Your sense of ease, confidence, or control

None of this makes you ungrateful. None of this makes you a bad parent. There’s room for sadness in love; the two are not mutually exclusive.

This isn’t necessarily postpartum depression

What you’re feeling might not be postpartum depression. It might not meet the criteria for anxiety, OCD, or any official diagnosis. But that doesn’t mean it’s not real. And it definitely doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter.

This could be what some call “emotional dissonance,” the uncomfortable tension between what you thought you’d feel and what you actually feel. It's common, especially in the early weeks and months of parenting. And it often shows up like this:

• Missing your old routines and rhythm

• Feeling like you’ve become invisible

• Wishing for quiet or solitude, then feeling guilty for it

• Loving your baby but longing for space

• Wanting to bond, but also craving escape

This isn’t wrong, and it's not failure. It’s the mind adjusting to an entire life reorganization.

Grief in the postpartum period

We often associate grief with loss of life. But any major identity change can bring grief. The shift into parenthood, especially if it’s your first time, can feel like saying goodbye to a version of yourself you knew well. It’s normal to feel a sense of mourning for:

• The spontaneous version of yourself

• Time with your partner or friends

• Your body before pregnancy or birth

• The dreams you had that now feel on pause

And grieving doesn’t cancel out joy. In fact, it can make space for a deeper, more layered kind of love.

Yes, and?

Some things that might be true at the same time. You might:

• Feel grateful and feel bored.

• Be deeply in love with your baby and feel trapped by your role.

• Cry while breastfeeding and still want to keep going.

• Miss your independence and still want to be right where you are.

• Feel like yourself one moment and like a stranger the next.

Contradiction is not dysfunction. It’s a sign of growth.

What sadness can look like in early parenthood

Sadness doesn’t always announce itself. Sometimes it shows up quietly, or sideways. Maybe you’ve noticed:

• Crying over things that wouldn’t usually upset you

• A sense of dullness where excitement used to be

• Feeling numb or detached, even in happy moments

• A wistfulness you can’t quite explain

• Feeling “off” in your body or mind without a clear reason

You’re not being dramatic. Your brain, your hormones, your nervous system: everything is still recalibrating.

Sadness can be love, too

The tears might be love. The ache might be awe. The deep emotional wells that feel too much to carry might simply be your capacity stretching to meet the new reality of someone depending on you.

Sometimes, we confuse sadness for weakness when it’s really evidence of a huge emotional expansion. You are becoming bigger than you were before, in ways the world may not see but that your baby will feel every day.

Emotional transition ≠ emotional failure

You don’t have to be in crisis to justify your feelings. You don’t have to be falling apart to deserve support. There is a middle ground between “fine” and “needs intervention,” and you’re allowed to live in that space without explanation.

Still, it’s worth saying: if your sadness grows heavier or starts interfering with daily life, don’t wait. Reach out to your provider. Ask for a screening. Talk to someone. You deserve to feel good—not just okay.

How to make space for sadness without shame

Here are a few ways to hold your own hand through this time:

1. Name your feelings without judging them. Say it aloud or write it down. “I feel sad today.” “I miss how things used to be.” Naming softens the charge.

2. Grieve what’s real. You don’t need to apologize for missing parts of your old life. The grief doesn’t mean you’re not happy now. It just means you’re human.

3. Stop measuring your success by your joy. You’re not supposed to feel thrilled every moment. Caring, showing up, and loving through the mess is its own kind of joy.

4. Set a tiny ritual of self-return. Light a candle after baby goes to bed. Stretch while the bottle warms. Wear earrings you loved pre-baby. Let your new self honor the old.

5. Let someone in. Tell a friend: “I’m having a low day. I don’t need advice, just company.” Ask your partner: “Can I vent for a minute without being fixed?”

For your nervous system

When feelings overwhelm, your nervous system might be running too fast. These 1–3 minute resets can help:

• Splash cold water on your face or wrists

• Hum a song you love (vibrations soothe your vagus nerve)

• Put your feet on the floor and name 5 things you see, 4 you hear, 3 you feel

Tiny things that count more than you think

• Drinking water before your coffee

• Sitting down to eat one bite, instead of pacing

• Watching a show that makes you laugh

• Letting someone hold the baby while you stare at the wall for a minute

• Texting someone: “Tell me something nice from your day”

None of these fix everything. But stacked together, they can build a bridge back to yourself.

Partner tips: What your loved one might need

If you’re supporting a new parent who seems emotionally low, here’s what may help:

• Say: “You don’t need to be cheerful for me”

• Offer: “Want me to hold the baby while you take a moment?”

• Ask: “Do you want to talk, or just be quiet together?”

• Normalize: “I’ve heard this part is hard for a lot of parents. You’re not alone.”

If you notice persistent sadness, disconnection, or distress beyond a few weeks, gently encourage them to talk to their provider.

Beyond bounce-back culture

One of the hardest parts of new parenthood is the expectation to “get back to normal.” But what if the goal isn’t bouncing back but rather moving forward? What if the version of you that’s emerging is more honest, more resilient, and more emotionally awake than ever?

You may not recognize yourself yet, but that doesn’t mean you’re lost. It means you’re becoming.

Feeling joy and sadness at the same time

Joy doesn’t cancel out sorrow. Gratitude doesn’t erase grief. You can love your baby and long for silence. You can smile at first milestones and still feel lonely. You can feel full and hollow at once.

That doesn’t make you broken. That makes you beautifully, powerfully human.

Your next step

You don’t have to figure everything out today. Just try one of these:

• Journal one emotion you’re carrying right now

• Say aloud: “I’m allowed to be sad without a reason”

• Text someone: “Can we talk? I’m feeling off.”

• Revisit a hobby or song from your pre-parent life

• Look at a photo of yourself before the baby and say, “I still see you.”

A sweet reminder

You are allowed to feel this all. The wonder, the fatigue, the ache, the joy. You’re allowed to not love every moment. You’re allowed to long for your old life and still step into this new one with your whole heart.

There is no perfect way to feel right now, only the truth of your experience. And in that truth, there is connection, healing, and permission to let your heart be exactly where it is.

You’re not alone in this moment. Somewhere, another parent is reading these words too, and breathing a little easier. You’re in good company.